Mind over matter.

and she is done…

Kae — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 06:40:02 +0000

I think with all I’ve experienced these past few months as far as dating, trying to be in a relationship, or even dare I say trying to find love, I ‘ve definitely learned that I’m over it. Over trying, over giving chances, over looking, over the notion, period. I know that God has a blessing waiting for me and I think that with the disappointments from recent involvements i’ve had, it’s taught me that I just have to let things be. Its simply just not my time. I just hope it doesn’t cost me to miss out on a good thing either. The mode I’m on right now is no holds barred, and I’m completely focused on myself and the things I need to do. I have to know and appreciate the fact that I am a wonderful woman with so many things going on in life and so much to offer others, with ambitions and goals, no obligations or commitments, and no children…seems like there’s a reason. That doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely, don’t want to be in relationship, or want to eventually fall in love, it just simply means I can’t let myself suffer anymore trying to make something work that isn’t supposed to or live in fear of being alone. I officially closed two chapters to involvements that I felt would or could have worked out, but in the end they didn’t. I didn’t want to be a side chick or just another one of his girls. I didn’t want to deal with the drinking problems of his or his blunt and scare tone of voice. I didn’t want to deal with games and his uncertainties. I didn’t want to deal with the “I don’t knows” and “I cares” but his actions were so different. I didn’t want to deal with confusion. I didn’t want to deal with all of the pre-tenses of a relationship with no commitment, and I didn’t want to continue on a up down on and off emotional roller coaster. I finally boned up the courage and said what I needed to, broke all ties. I never knew what it felt like to have a door slammed in your face, or have a window slide down on your hand. But in the end, two doors closed.

I would just like to have a window left cracked please, not because I’m looking for a away out but for the simple fact that I still want to be able to see and keep my sanity.

another valentine’s in the books.

Kae — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 05:54:44 +0000

Same story every year.
nothing exciting done.
no boyfriend, barely significant other.
happy single awareness day, blah.
How about someone who just likes me or cares enough about me to take me on a nice date, flowers, candy, cuddling, maybe?
no one who cares, so why should I?
I actually have gotten used to the fact that valentines day is just another day.
But at least one day hope I to come across a special valentine’s day with a special someone.

my eyes are blurry, even with glasses on…

Kae — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 03:42:44 +0000

So its been a while since I’ve written and wow has alot happened. I can honestly say that where I was then from my last post and where I am now, I didnt expect it to be this way. I got a degree and of course thought soon after, I could start a career in that field…didnt happen. Which ended me up with getting laid off one job, to take a small but helpful side job, and then ending up in a great paying job but high on stress and unhappiness. The one thing I can say is that I cant complain because I am thankful to have a job, and health insurance, and all these other things. But, when it compromises with your happiness, what do you do? I honestly dont know how much longer I can stand to be unhappy, and its not in just this aspect but a few others that I deal with on a daily basis. I have a very clear vision of what I wanted to do for so long and now it just seems that its slightly hazzy due to all the small yet stressful things. Ive never been so tired in my life, but i can no longer be tired anymore. Like my mother tells me everyday ” Just stick with it and everyday when you wake up just say you love the things that make you unhappy or that stress you and they will change”. I have so much patience, but it may be going into emergency mode. I can see exactly where I want to be and I will go toward it even it means giving up many things that I comfortable with and that currently support me, but that cause me stress or are not valuable to me for the future. If it means taking a pay cut and for a happy atomosphere…i may have to suck it up. If it means working super hard with 18credit semesters and no social life…i may have to suck it up, and if it means just barely gettting by but everytime I wake up I have a smile and know that I work toward what I want to do in life…i may have to suck it up. And I will! I did not work this hard to get a new pair of glasses to correct my vision only realize that I can see better without them.

love.kae

not resoultions, i call them predictions and plans.

Kae — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 06:32:05 +0000

Happy new year 2009 to all!!!

and of course every year people have their resolutions, they say they’ll do this and that and we’ve all said it and maybe done and maybe haven’t. well this time i wanted set things that i felt would be easy for me to do and well it be hard work, time, dedication, and focus, but imma go for it.

eat better, healthy, but i still gotta have my sweets and junk foods ( at least im honest). exercise 2-3 a week or more ( i have to stay looking right).be more into GOD ( i already am, but he always deserves and can recieve more, amen).be less stress and emotional/mental engaged( im a pisces/aries, read up on it..enough said). travel to 2 places ive never been or havent been to in over 5yrs( rest & relaxation is the best and im young and want to enjoy seeing the world before life tries to swap me).start getting back to the simple things that make me happy and stop tryna be so extravagant, well ok still going to its just that im learning it ok to be simple and enjoy the small things in life. start my own dance company/ensemble, im such a driven person and i have such a love for dance. i figured if i have a determination and strong passion for dance i should put the two together. Its time for me to get back to doing what i love and what im good at. Strengthen relationship and dismiss those who are not valuable( theres too many people who are fake and aint bout nothing nowadays), its so true that the people closest to you are the farthest away, and the people who are the farthest away are the closest to you, think about it).

But let’s just go ahead and try to start this off right, amen.

new year’s eve false start

Kae — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 04:26:47 +0000

my past new years eve have been cool, some completely fun and some just dead. this time around same shit new year lol. i have this lil so called curse where i dont wanna be with a guy i like or my boyfriend on new years and kiss because usually sometime in the new year we would break up. (trust and believe, i believe in it its happened too many times not to.) so my hunny stayed home cause hes the occasionally party pooper anyways, and i went out with my bestest girls friends lissa and dae ( oh how i love them!) but to make a long story short the nite went something like this:

cute girls get all dressed up. too fine.

cute girls are always fashionably late cause we have to make an entrance.

cute girls get to party only to see people running around and see cars speeding off with a shit load of police cars (aka black people dont know whow to act, shooting even on new years…smh.)

cute girls try another party, its full to compacity.

cute girls are riding in car at 11:55pm and still no new years destination

cute girls park @ the hilton run in and ring in the new year at the table bar.

cute girls go to meet lissa’s boyfriend and friends in the mickey d’s parking lot.

cute girls decide to go to the eta lounge, no wait the red rock.

cute girls get to cherry @ red rock, and it cracked. dancing, vip, free drinks and being fine pays off.

cute girls had a good nite after all that traveling around.

cute girls went home tipsy and with some money in hands and big smiles.

guess it wasnt too bad after all, but next year imma have a party of my own

love kae.

christmas spirit?

Kae — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 03:57:26 +0000

this christmas was well, it just was. im too old to be in the santa/ getting gifts mode so that wasnt a highlight, and to top it off with the shape of the ecomony and just everyone personal things they’ve endured this year, christams just didnt feel all cheerful like it had the past few years. i didnt wanna hear the caroles, see the christmas lights and trees, or just any of the overly done things that go with christmas. the only thing i did do was go to church and donate toys to the children as i do every year, that my christmas spirit and hwta makes me feel good. its not about recieving..its about giving. i will say that GOD defintely was the reason for the season and was the only things i had to feel the “spirit”about. my boyfriend and i had a great time and so did the family, just being together with moms good ol homecooking. thats what its about. bascially not have such an all out and overhyped christmas and just having to over come so much the months before, just really made me truly believe and affirm that: JESUS really is THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

love.. is the definition of being between a rock & a hard place.

Kae — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 11:36:18 +0000

After all the relationship, crushes, dates, and love situations ive been in ( dont trip it aint that many either lol) I am finally starting to learn what it is like to love and exactly what i deserve and want from someone i am involved with.

I finally found love, and man let me tell you at the beginning it was great, more than great, wonderful, shit maybe even better than that! After dealing with a guy for a year & a half who never truly committed to me and just didnt want the relationship yet wanted to reap all the benefits of it, it was so refreshing to be with someone who actually fit into what i wanted from a relationship. A year has almost gone by and for the part things have been great, good, but lately things have been on the flip flop.

i just want to be able to be with you when you have free time, is that wrong?

im an affectionate person, so i need a little more love than others.

if i tell you how i feel, dont say its dumb or weird just cause you dont understand. try to understand.

there has been a slight or empty sense of communication, a small text back or call to know all is well will do just fine, thanks. so can i get that?!

your temper is fuckin horrible, so if iam talkin normal to you, why do you feel you need to raise your voice above normal? did you get your point thru?

if you have a bad day, or are in a bad mood, please dont take it out on me. im here to brighten your day.

love & relationships are serious work, so i can i sometimes get some help? im only here as long as you let me, or as i let myself be..

i can do bad all by myself. and if it aint nothing good comin out of it, i can be by myself. i been dug thru the dirt before, so it wont hurt anymore.

when i tell you something, and you get up or say im naggin, im not. i just want to tell you whats wrong with things so it can be made aware.

how am i selfish if every single second, minute, and hour i stop to think about you. do you the same?

i am enthuastic about love & whoever i am involved with.i dont always see that in you, does that mean your being untrue?

if you love someone listen to them and try to whateva it is to make it better.

i dont take things for granted, but it seems you may be catching that bug. turn your back for too long or too quick..and all youll see is footsteps.

money spent & material things doesnt = time spent or love.

you say seeing me cry breaks your heart, so why is it you do or say things to make me start?

we sometimes say things like you get on my nerves, im sick of your shit, or just plain fed up with this. sometimes i think this may be the end of this, and then i feel a deep stomach pain. do feel that same pain?

Its All Love aint It???!

although we argue, fight, nag, and complaint, its the goodtimes that will get things rolling again. sometimes i try to stay mad, and think to myself is this really what you want to be in? guess this could be the end, but when you think of all you’ve been thru and how far you came, it brings you back to the dating-friendship-puppy love-crush days again..and it keeps you there, in my heart & mind.

….blessed to be in love ( love is war-hard to get in and even harder to get out of..) but cursed to have an emotional, sensitive heart & mind.

God can do it, and he’ll help me thru it.

and like i said, stuck between a rock & a hard place. will i ever get out? or can i at least be stuck between a headphones & a pillow…(lmao.)

love.kae.

thankful.

Kae — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 10:27:42 +0000

to be alive.

to believe and love CHRIST.

to have a loving and supporting family.

to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table.

to be blessed with the love and talent to dance.

to have finished high school and college.

to have a wonderful guy show me sides of love and freindship i’ve never seen.

to have a job to provide me with income, and a future career to provide me with a salary.

to have cool people to bond with and who share common goals & interest.

to be in good health and strength.

to have my closest and best friends i can truly count on.

to have gone thru hardships & stuggles to make me who i am today.

to simply love & be myself…

……. is what I am Thankful for.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all.

love.kae.

here to there.

Kae — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:47:06 +0000

so…thus far these past few months ive been doing little to nothing besides trying to get my life up to speed and just do more with this spare time and this degree. Since i’ve finally finished school ( thank the Lord) i have alot more time on my hands, and have actually enjoyed it. It felt really good at first to know that i would never have to deal with school work again, get up early, and most of all study and take test! ( thank the Lord again lol). But sometimes, i actually miss getting up for school and all the things that come with being a student ( i know what a shocker lol). I planned on just relaxing, exercising, dancing, and just searching for a good career opputunity and/or deciding whether i wanted to attend grad school. So now its gettin old, im tired, and oh yea : the ECONOMY FUCKIN SUCKS. which leaves me stuck in a rift cause alot of things i would like to do cant be done because of the economy ( aka The DumbBush FuckUp). lets take a look, shall we…

what i wanna do: get a city, county, state career in Criminal Justice, move to Cali for dance education and entertainment ( this country girl loves her some Cali, it offers alot no matter what you want to do in life), and attend a good grad program.

But guess what: the county, city, and state are in a budget crisis and a hiring freeze ( great.) , the cost of living is high everywhere rite now with the shape of the economy, and Cali is the most expensive, so thats a no-go. and it seems the price of education goes up more & more every semester. its so bad that the news stated that some schools won’t even be offering financial aid next year! thats crazy. so thats a no-go, for now at least.

Everyday i am constatntly stuck in the same rut, and really have nothing to exciting to look forward to. I am happy i am alive, that i have a loving family and boyfriend, a talent and passion to dance, good friends, and thankful to have recieved an eduaction, a steady job, and God in my life. I WANT TO CHANGE many aspects of my life and the thing is, i am not complaining by any means necessary cause i am trying and have been for a long time. so far no change. i want the better job, a career. i want to move and get out of Vegas for a better opputunity and take dance to another level. i want to be able to walk across the stage for third time and accept another diploma. My mom is always saying : “Just wait Kendra, its coming i know it is. be patient.” so i listen and i have. nothing. i have no choice but to continue to wait, i know in my heart is it coming and that patience does pay off, sooner or later. im just hoping its sooner..God is gonna bless me.

starting today, ive made a vow to just do more with my day. ive always been a busy girl and its time to truly get back to being super active. non stop dance class, exercise more each week, healthy eating & vitamins, and being more engaged in God. man if have one or two jobs, mite as well get three than huh lol. either way i just dont wanna feel like any day is wasted. I ve been doin good so far lol. some days i do just wanna relax and catch up on things or whateva, but for the most part i want to learn some thing new everyday and know that I did something positive for my self or someone else. AMEN.

i see many good things in the near future…and when they come, here i come right with them.

love.kae.

awesome rendition of my love.

Kae — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 10:55:42 +0000

I LOVE dance, period. my immediate and true 1st love. It is the drum the beats in my soul, the light at the end of the tunnel. the get well-feel better remedy, the attention grabber, the stress reliever, the this is my jam wanna dance to this song, the joy to jump over the pain. Its the awesome chemistry that puts a body and music into one. and my goodness to do i love me some music, real music. Lately ive been realizing, like i always have, about how much dancing is apart of my love. how i cant live without it. There are so many things i wanna do and with that im goin full throttle on dance/technique classes. which will lead me to projects and things i wanna fulfill in this dance life. ive been a ‘black ballerina’ since the day i could walk. and i plan on continuing that, and all the training ive learned. this is gonna be transformed into my ultimate style, what i want to do.

I AM a Jazz-Modern whore. who is also having an affair with Hip-Hop, and had a one night stand with Ballet.

I love fusion. taking elements that would never go to together, and making something new. when i get my dance studio, its fusion. when i have my company, it’ll be fusion. what i am best at…fusion.

look out world. my brain and body is on fire. im comin with some goodies. im a choreographical dancing genius, comin soon. ill have the videos to view up by the end of the year. more dance things to come.

until then, check out these vids. an amazing underground choreographer named Kate Jablonski. her fusion of jazz, modern, ballet, hip-hop, intrical contemporary, with quirky, smooth lyrical moves and music is beautiful, awesome. Impact dance studios-these young women are good technicial dancers and very expressive. this is in the direction of exactly want i would love to do. i would have loved to perform this choreography. yep, my inspiration to go forward with my fusion ideas. enjoy! -love. kae.

” off the rails”

“merry happy”